Thursday, January 15th, 2009 | Author:

The Young Conservatives at Lone Star College near Houston were threatened with probation for distributing a satirical flyer entitled “Top Ten Gun Safety Tips.”

The school’s general counsel invoked the specter of the Virginia Tech shootings, suggesting that even a “mention of firearms and weapons” is inherently a “material interference” with the school’s operations.

I wondered what all the fuss was about, and honestly? That school needs to add humor to the curriculum. I now present the list to you, modified slightly for public consumption.

Top Ten Gun Safety Tips

10. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR GUN POINTED IN A SAFE DIRECTION, SUCH AS AT A HIPPY OR COMMUNIST.

9. DUMB CHILDREN MAY GET HOLD OF YOUR GUNS AND SHOOT EACH OTHER. IF YOUR CHILDREN ARE DUMB, PUT THEM UP FOR ADOPTION TO PROTECT YOUR GUNS.

8. NO MATTER HOW RESPONSIBLE HE SEEMS, NEVER GIVE YOUR GUN TO A MONKEY.

7. IF GUNS MAKE YOU NERVOUS, DRINK A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY BEFORE HEADING TO THE RANGE.

6. [redacted for general audiences]

5. DON’T LOAD YOUR GUN UNLESS YOU ARE GOING TO SHOOT SOMETHING, OR ARE JUST FEELING GENERALLY ANGRY.

4. IF YOUR GUN MISFIRES, NEVER LOOK DOWN THE BARREL TO INSPECT IT. HAVE SOMEONE ELSE DO THAT FOR YOU.

3. NEVER USE YOUR GUN TO PISTOL WHIP SOMEONE. IT COULD MAR THE FINISH.

2. NO MATTER HOW EXCITED YOU ARE ABOUT BUYING YOUR FIRST GUN, DO NOT RUN AROUND YELLING “I HAVE A GUN! I HAVE A GUN!”

1. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF GUN SAFETY: DON’T GET ME MAD!

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