I didn’t listen to Obama’s speech, but if I had and you were sitting next to me, this is what you would have heard.
Regulations were gutted for the sake of a quick profit at the expense of a healthy market.
Oh, good, we need more government regulations.
I have told each member of my Cabinet as well as mayors and governors across the country that they will be held accountable by me and the American people for every dollar they spend.
Of course! Washington has such a great record of controlling spending, we want them to take over the job from all our cities and states. Never mind the 10th Amendment. Who wants to reserve rights to the states or the people?
The ability to get a loan is how you finance the purchase of everything from a home to a car to a college education; how stores stock their shelves, farms buy equipment, and businesses make payroll.
Obviously, saving and living within your means are out of fashion.
We invented solar technology, but we’ve fallen behind countries like Germany and Japan in producing it. New plug-in hybrids roll off our assembly lines, but they will run on batteries made in Korea.
This has nothing to do with government controls and oil subsidies, of course.
So I ask this Congress to send me legislation that places a market-based cap on carbon pollution.
Oh, boy, here comes the cow tax!
As for our auto industry, everyone recognizes that years of bad decision-making and a global recession have pushed our automakers to the brink.
Well, except for Nissan – and Mercedes – and Honda – and Hyundai – and Kia. Yeah, the automakers are in big trouble.
Our recovery plan will invest in electronic health records and new technology that will reduce errors, bring down costs, ensure privacy, and save lives.
We all know that computer records, especially in the hands of government, are far more secure than paper records in a doctor’s office.
It will be the goal of this administration to ensure that every child has access to a complete and competitive education – from the day they are born to the day they begin a career.
Maybe we should just send the newborns straight from the hospital to government-run daycare. It’ll save their parents having to buy cribs and stuff.
Already, we have made an historic investment in education through the economic recovery plan. We have dramatically expanded early childhood education and will continue to improve its quality, because we know that the most formative learning comes in those first years of life.
And we sure don’t want their ignorant parents influencing the little buggers. They might teach them about Jesus, or some other extremist nonsense.
Whatever the training may be, every American will need to get more than a high school diploma. And dropping out of high school is no longer an option.
So if they won’t go to school, what, we’ll throw them in jail? Make them scrub the sidewalks?
If you are willing to volunteer in your neighborhood or give back to your community or serve your country, we will make sure that you can afford a higher education.
All these extra years of mandatory education/indoctrination won’t cost you a thing – just spend your summer in a government-approved charitable organization or join the army.
I pledged to cut the deficit in half by the end of my first term in office.
Good idea. You just doubled it, didn’t you?
We are now carefully reviewing our policies in both wars, and I will soon announce a way forward in Iraq that leaves Iraq to its people and responsibly ends this war.
Can’t wait to hear this one.
And with our friends and allies, we will forge a new and comprehensive strategy for Afghanistan and Pakistan to defeat al Qaeda and combat extremism. Because I will not allow terrorists to plot against the American people from safe havens half a world away.
That’s right, Bushie … I mean, Obama. We are in charge of the world.
To relieve the strain on our forces, my budget increases the number of our soldiers and Marines.
So we’ll need more soldiers to die in Afghanistan than Bush has killed in Iraq?
I can stand here tonight and say without exception or equivocation that the United States of America does not torture.
That’s right, Bushie … I mean, Obama. When we do it, it’s simply interrogation.
God Bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.
Which god are you invoking here, Prez? Jesus, Isa, Buddha, Mohammed, Yeshua? I’m a little particular about these matters.